


Just Want You To Hold Me

by bluegreenlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Ziam, Misunderstandings, No Smut, OT4, Pining, larry - Freeform, louis has a tumblr, louis is still in love with harry, mentions of niall/melissa, ot4 on a yacht, so much pining, the lads holiday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 01:46:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6545479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluegreenlarry/pseuds/bluegreenlarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry returned and gave him a bright pink towel, smiling politely. “Thank you” Louis croaked. Awkward. He hated the fact that normal moments like these had to be filled with tension, but he guessed that it was like that after a breakup. At least they still talked, even considered each other close friends. Just not too close.</p><p>or</p><p>Harry, Louis, Liam and Niall finally go on their lads holiday together. The only problem is that Harry and Louis have broken up, and Louis is still in love with him. Maybe they will solve their problems - on a yacht, in the middle of the ocean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Want You To Hold Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [suicxne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/suicxne/gifts).



> I hope you like this! This is my first work on here, so please be lenient. The prompts were all really cool, but I decided to go with this one, because i think we all need the lads holiday in our lives.
> 
> Title is from Zayn's sHe.
> 
> To my beta: Thank you so much, I love you!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own One Direction or anything associated to them. This is a work of fiction and none of this has really happened (probably).
> 
> And a last information/disclaimer: In this story, no babies, girlfriends or beards were mentioned. It's not my place to comment on that so please act as if none of that ever happened. In this universe, it didn't.

"What are you doing?"

Louis flinched and turned around, gesturing wildly for Harry to be quiet. “He’s gonna be here right now, hide!” Without waiting for Harry’s answer he pulled on his mask, ignored his friend’s amused expression and ducked down. Liam was going to get the scare of his life. And – oh, he was coming. Apparently Harry seemed to get what Louis was plotting, because he sat down and made himself invisible for Liam, who was coming up the stairs.

Louis saw Liam’s feet next to him and jumped up. He screamed as loud as he could and doubled over laughing when Liam let out a noise even higher and louder than his own.

Louis turned to Harry and they exchanged a wide-eyed look, starting to giggle. “Oh my god” Harry pressed out between squeaks. “His fucking face!” He threw his head back laughing and exposed the smooth skin of his neck. Louis stared, mesmerized. How could a human being even be this beautiful? He was shaken out of his love-dopey thoughts when someone grabbed him and pulled him towards the reeling.

He squeaked and trashed around, but Liam’s grip was too strong. “Let me go!” he screeched as loudly as he could. “Liam! Let me go right now, fucker!” Why did Liam have muscles like this that made it possible that he could pick up Louis without struggling? Because you are tiny, a voice inside his brain whispered. Shut up. He wasn't fucking tiny. Jesus Christ, he really spent too much time on tumblr with all the exaggerating fans. He wasn’t that small, oh god, Liam was just huge. And strong.

“Harry!” Louis gasped. “Help me.”

Harry smirked and leaned back into the couch. “Actually, I’m good here. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the fish you put in my bed yesterday.” What a jerk. Louis glared at him as good as he could while Liam was dragging him away. Idiots, both of them. And where was Niall?

“Niall!” He screamed. All Liam did was chuckle and keep his iron-grip on Louis.

Reaching the ladder at the end of the boat, he grinned satisfied. Louis struggled as much as he could but it didn't help. “Hope your phone isn’t in your shorts right now” was the last thing Louis heard before he was dumped into the sea. His shriek got swallowed by the waves. What a bastard. What an utter bastard. Louis would put salt in his food, see how he liked having his mouth and throat full of a salty substance. Hah. Not the time for innuendos.

Gasping, Louis came up for air and wiped his eyes, just in time to see Niall pushing Liam into the water as well. Niall was a real friend. Louis gave him a thumbs up. Good boy. Liam swam to him and grinned. Louis smiled back, pushing the wet hair out of his face.

“I’ll get my revenge.” he growled. But honestly? He was pretty content in the ocean with his best friend, his other best friends a few feet above them, the sun shining. Life could be worse.

*

Harry reached out to him and their hands met, gripping each other tightly. Louis shivered. No need to be so dramatic, he told himself. He’s just pulling you out of the water. That’s why he’s holding your hand. No other reason. Chill. But his shivering seemed to be mistaken for freezing and when he was on the boat, Harry wrapped him into a hug. “I’ll bring you a towel.” he murmured into Louis’ ear after a few quiet moments and disappeared. There really was no reason for Louis to be so starstruck over a hug – it wasn’t the first time they had hugged since their breakup. Maybe the third. Or the forth. Whatever, he was being ridiculous.

Harry returned and gave him a bright pink towel, smiling politely. “Thank you” Louis croaked. Awkward. He hated the fact that normal moments like these had to be filled with tension, but he guessed that it was like that after a breakup. At least they still talked, even considered each other close friends. Just not too close. And definitely better off in presence of someone else who’d take away the strained mood. For example…

“Niall!” Louis exclaimed and breathed through his nose. Their friend grinned and high-fived him. “You’re a real friend Nialler. Pushing Payno into the water? I love you.” he declared.

In the evening, Niall brought them all a bowl of ice cream and they sat outside, the stars glistening above them. Louis felt so much in this moment that he shivered. This was life. Friends. Happiness.

*

“Sooo.” Liam folded his hands behind his head and laid back. “How’s your love life going, H? You never tell us anything!” Louis tensed a little bit, but watched Harry closely as he grinned.

“That’s because there is nothing to tell.”

Good, was Louis’ first thought. He immediately felt bad. It really wasn’t his right to think like that anymore, he should be happy if Harry had a partner – which he apparently didn’t. He coughed quietly and then smiled at Harry. “I don’t believe you. C’mon, I bet you have lots of admirers.” Harry reacted to his teasing the same way he’d reacted when he had been 16: blushing, ducking his head, mumbling a response. “Not really. I mean… no one I am interested in.”

Louis leaned forward. “And who are you interested in?” He was proud of how normal he sounded, considering he was talking about the love of his life’s potential love interests. Also leaning towards him, Harry shot him a cheeky grin. “Someone who’s funny, and nice, and hot.” He involuntarily let out a laugh. “For god’s sake, Haz. This isn’t an interview.”

“Yeah bro, we want all the juicy details!” Liam interjected.

To be honest, there was nothing that Louis wanted less than hearing ‘juicy details’ about Harry’s hook-ups. But on the other hand… this could be some kind of therapy, in a ‘see, he has moved on, now you can move on too’-way. He felt Harry shooting him a quick glance, but perhaps he was just imagining it. “Genuinely. There is no one. Since – whatever.” Harry bit his lip and shut up. Louis flinched like he had been slapped. They never mentioned their relationship or their breakup. But he couldn’t help but being a little bit glad that Harry was still single and not interested in anyone.

The others seemed to feel the tension, because Niall started coughing loudly. Liam quickly turned to him.

“Ni. How’s it on the dating front?”

To Louis’ surprise, Niall’s face immediately visibly turned sour. What the fuck? Usually he just gave a cheeky answer. This was very unlike him. What does he have? And why didn’t Louis notice it earlier?

His eyes met Liam’s and they had a silent conversation. They had to make Niall tell them. Harry also looked worried, but he was still not able to look Louis in the eye. Fucking shit, why did their stupid breakup have to make every single moment in this band so awkward? Liam opened his mouth to pry further, but Niall’s half shouted words shut him up.

“I don’t want you to ask me about my love life anymore. Thank you.” He stood up, angrily wiped his eyes and stormed downstairs. Louis, Liam and Harry gave each other a look. What the fuck. It was Harry who broke the silence. “Do you think I should look after him?” he asked and worriedly played with his fingers. A clear sign that he was uncomfortable. Louis nodded.

“Go and just hug him a little. I’m sure he’ll tell us when he’s ready…” he trailed off, swallowing. Niall was worse than himself with secrets. He never spoke up about his feelings and problems.

“Yeah” Liam gently shoved Harry “you are the most sensitive out of us. Make him feel loved.”

Harry nodded and went after their bandmate. Louis and Liam were silent for a minute. Louis played with his own fingers and bit his lip. Make him feel loved. Did he feel loved? Did he give Niall enough love, and Liam, and Harry? Sometimes he had thought the breakup had stolen him all of his energy to really, genuinely love. But it wasn’t true, he realized. He could never lose the ability to love because he had the best fucking friends in the world. And they deserved to be loved so much.

“Tommo, you okay?” Liam asked at the same time as Louis blurted out “I love you.” Liam stared at him for a second. “…okay? Love you too, bro.”

“Just thought you should know” Louis explained. “I feel like I never tell you.” After all, Liam was one of the best people he knew. A great partner in crime. As good as – nope, not going there, he reminded himself. Zayn was entirely different from Liam, there was no point in comparing them.

Before he could even blink, Liam threw his arms around him and squeezed him tightly. He didn’t say anything, but Louis felt his gratitude.

*

Crawling under his blankets, he opened his laptop and went on tumblr. His notifications showed him that a few people had reblogged his last gifset of Harry parading across the stage with a rainbow flag, but nothing else. He didn’t have that many followers, and he was glad that he didn’t – the chances of someone finding out were smaller this way. He refreshed his feed and began scrolling.

While reading something about him and Harry being together right now, he snorted and hit the reblog button. There was nothing better than their fans’ endless support and faith in their “relationship”. And even if they didn’t know Harry and him weren’t a thing anymore, they were right about so much other stuff, it was creepy. But mostly cool. He didn’t even feel bad about, well, kind of encouraging people to believe in their non-existent relationship. After all, they weren’t that far away from the truth. A while later he yawned and closed his laptop, tiredly burying himself under his blankets and trying to find a good sleeping position.

What was Harry doing right now? he wondered. Maybe he was already sleeping. Maybe he was still with Niall. Maybe he was writing songs or poetry. Louis frowned. He always contemplated who Harry was writing these heartfelt, deep lyrics about. Back when they had been together he had known that the love songs were all about him. ‘I just want it to be you and I forever…’ Sure he did. That’s why he'd broken up with Louis.

The worst thing about “Happily” had been that when Louis had first heard it, they had already broken up. He remembered being numb for the rest of the day, going home and crying, crying, crying. Did Harry cry as well when he heard “Strong”? He’d never know. And Strong wasn’t even the only song Louis had written about Harry, oh no, every single one of his songs was for and about Harry. He was so pathetic.

He closed his eyes firmly and swallowed. How come Harry was his first thought after waking up and his last one falling asleep, when all Harry saw him was as a friend. His life sucked. But he would get over Harry, he really would. Someday. Maybe.

*

Liam downed the last bit of his beer and then turned to Louis. “Your turn, Tommo. Truth or Dare?”

“Why are we doing this again?” Louis made a face and thought about it for a second. “Truth.” Really, he had nothing to hide. Except for his crush on Harry, but Liam would sure as hell not bring that up, and his tumblr blog, but he’d just lie about that. “Okay, listen…” Liam thought about his question for a minute, then his eyes lit up. Oh oh. “Name three female celebrities you would sleep with.”

“You’re boring, Payne.” he complained, but secretly he was relieved. “Let me think about it for a second, yeah?” So, female celebrities he’d want to fuck. Ugh. He was gay, he did not want to sleep with any of them, no matter how pretty or nice they were. But if he had to? “Selena Gomez, “ he ignored Niall’s “Hey!” “Natalie Portman, and… Cara Delevingne.”

Harry snorted. “I can hook you up with Cara if you want? I think she’s single at the moment.” Louis looked at him to check if he was being serious, but the smile on his friend’s face gave him away. “Oi, shut it, Styles. I am a bit too gay to sleep with a girl, but thank you for caring about me getting some. Arse.”

Harry stuck out his tongue and they grinned at each other for a few seconds before Niall giggled nervously. “Shall I continue?” Louis snapped out of his Harry-bubble and cleared his throat. “Yup. Uhm… Truth or Dare?” Niall pretended to stroke his beard – show-off, he had a tiny bit of stubble, nothing more – and winked at Harry. “Truth.”

Harry held the eye contact between himself and Niall, asking a silent question. Niall nodded softly. What the fuck was that about? Louis squinted and watched them closely.

“Okay, Nialler, your question is” Harry paused and waited for a second, but Niall had shut his eyes “Why did you break up with Melissa?” Seriously? That was what Niall’s big secret was about?

“I told her that I didn’t want to have sex with her and she had a hard time accepting it.” Louis’ head snapped up. Niall didn’t even look up, just kept talking faster and faster. “And it’s not just her, I never ever want to have sex with anyone again because ,like, a year ago I found out what asexual means and I was just so happy that I wasn’t alone but I still didn’t really accept it, but since the break started I’ve had so much time to think and be honest with myself and I think it’s time to be honest with you guys too.” When he stopped talking, he wiped away a stray tear from his cheek with a trembling hand and Louis did the only right thing to do. He got up and wrapped his body around Niall.

“Niall, you know how much we love you” Liam said in the softest voice ever and reached out to touch Niall’s arm. “We’ll always love you.” The arms around Louis’ neck tightened and he heard Niall softly whisper ‘thank you’s and ‘I love you’s. After a while, they parted and both sat down on their own seats. Jesus, who would’ve thought?

Louis shot his friend a smile and coughed. “So like, do you wanna talk about it some more, or…” Niall shook his head. “Just – that’s the reason I got angry yesterday. I knew you expected me to say I hooked up with this girl or that girl and that’s just not me anymore. It never was, to be honest. I didn’t really enjoy it that much.”

Louis nodded and thought about it for a second. “Are you uncomfortable with talking about sex?” He remembered seeing people on tumblr talking about the fact that not all asexual people were sex-repulsed, so maybe it was better he asked his friend now.

“Nah, I’m good with talking about it, and I don’t mind seeing you guys naked, on tour or here or whatever. I mean, as long as it’s nothing explicitly sexual.” Okay, good to know. “But you still want to date girls, right? In a relationship without sex?” Liam interjected. Niall nodded again. “Yup, but I’m kind of scared to never find someone who puts up with that.” His voice sounded thin and frightened. Harry, who had been quiet until now, sat up and crossed his arms. “Don’t say that. You will find someone who accepts you.”

They all turned to him and he looked away. “I just hate hearing stuff like that.” But he didn’t elaborate further and so they continued their game. Niall was noticeably louder and happier. It warmed Louis’ heart. He knew Niall was going to get his happy end one day. If anyone deserved it, then him.

“Lima, it’s your turn.” Liam rolled his eyes but complied. “Truth.” Boring, ugh. Well, Louis had to come up with a risky question, like …

“Have you ever hooked up with a guy?”

Harry laughed quietly, Niall too. “Yeah Li, do tell. Oh look, he’s blushing! Who was the lucky lad? Do we know him?” Louis poked his face impatiently. Liam and a guy, that was… weird to imagine. Liam hid his face behind his hands. “Oh man. Okay. It was only like, twice though!” Louis smirked. Dancing around the subject, nice. This seemed like a juicy story.

“It was Zayn.”

They all froze for a second, then Niall burst out laughing. “I can’t believe this. Liam and Zayn? No fucking way, Jesus.” No fucking way indeed. Louis had to fight against very disturbing pictures in his mind while simultaneously wondering why none of them had ever told him.

He looked at Harry, who hadn’t commented at all, but was staring at Louis instead, almost… like he was sorry? Louis gave him a grin and he looked away quickly, but Louis couldn’t fight the feeling that there was something else behind that look. But whatever, he was gonna tease the hell out of Liam first.

“So, Ziam was real all along…”

“It was only like three times, oh my god!”

*

He opened his eyes, groaning and immediately covering them again. “How old are you again, Niall?” There he was napping for three minutes and Niall was pranking their sleeping bandmate.

His friend grinned and just kept painting dicks with sunscreen on Harry’s back. The sun was burning down onto the boat. Louis let his gaze sweep across Harry’s muscular body for a short moment, then blinked and focussed on Niall. He was ridiculous. “C’mon, leave him be. He’s sleeping. You can continue harassing him when he’s awake.”

Niall scoffed. He gave Louis a look that clearly said ‘I know what you are doing and I don’t appreciate it’. “You’re a bloody menace, Louis. I saw you sneaking into Liam’s room yesterday while he was sleeping to put that pot of cold water next to his bed, don’t give m e this ‘he’s sleeping’ bullshit. You are only such a softie ‘cause you’re in l- “

Louis threw his towel at him to shut him up. “Don’t.” he hissed, but the only reaction he got was a chuckle. Damn. Niall knew too much.

“Where is Liam, by the way?” He pulled on his shirt and glanced at Harry, who was still sleeping, looking as peaceful as ever. Cutie.

Niall shrugged and winked. “He needed ‘private time’. Whatever that means.”

Oh dear god. “Disgusting.” He mumbled and stood up. “Should I wake him up?” One of his hands traced Harry’s arm. Niall chuckled again. “Not in love with him, my arse. You are so gone for that boy.” His eyes sparkled in amusement and Louis couldn’t help but smile a little.

“Shut up.” was his answer, but it lacked its usual sharpness. After all, it was true. And as long Harry didn’t realize anything, he was okay with it. It just was there, always. Probably never going to fade.

He let himself bathe in Harry’s beauty for a minute, then turned away. He felt the need to go on tumblr and make a thousand posts about how pretty the boy was. Was that normal behaviour? Wanting to hit post limit to let the world know how fucking extraordinary someone was? He was such a fucking loser, god.

“Want to help me with dinner?” Niall softly asked. Louis turned to him and gave him a smile. “What are you making?” he asked, even though he was itching to grab his laptop and blog. Niall shrugged and placed his snapback on his head. “Pizza?" 

*

“Liaaaam.” He bit his lip and poked his toes in Liam’s back. “I have a question…” His friend turned around and sighed. “Spit it out, Tommo.” Louis nodded and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “D’you… Yesterday you said you had slept with Zayn.” Liam groaned and opened his mouth, but Louis ignored him. “How did you manage to not let it be awkward between the two of you? Because you are still friends with him. And I would imagine it’s really weird to be friends with someone you fucked? I mean, me and Harry…” He swallowed. “I really try to act normal around him and it’s so hard sometimes, I can’t even look at him without remembering… you know. I hate it and I want it to stop.”

There was silence, and he looked up. Liam stared at him with a half pitying, half amused expression on his face. “Louis. Have you ever thought about the fact that you are in love with Harry? Your situation is entirely different from me and Zayn. We both knew it was just fun and, you know, just mates hooking up. You were in a committed relationship with Harry. I don’t think I can help you here.”

Well, shit. He hadn’t thought of that. “I’m sorry. I just don’t know anymore. It’s not going away.” he confessed in a whisper and let out a shaky breath. He really needed to get a grip and move on, fuck. Liam said nothing but wrapped him up in a hug and for one second, Louis let himself believe that soon everything would go back to normal again.

*

Half an hour later, the four of them sat on the table at the deck and watched the sunset while eating pizza. Harry and Niall were fighting loudly about the last slice while Liam took selfies with the sea in the background.

Louis stood up and gave them a half-arsed wave. “I’m gonna go to my cabin yeah?” Without waiting for their answer, he hastily jogged away and breathed through his nose. He hated himself for it, but sometimes being so close to Harry and not being able to kiss him killed him. Most of the time he managed to contain himself, but the last few days had been intense. He was a very outgoing person, but there were moments where all he wanted to do was curl up in his bed and blog. Which he was going to do right now. He closed the door and flung himself across the room in his bed. Finally.

Jesus Christ, he had really needed a bit of peace. He loved his boys, but they were a handful. Especially Harry and Niall together. Well, if he was being honest, he himself was the worst out of all of them, but whatever. He was still allowed to complain about the others.

Opening tumblr, he stared at his feed and grinned a little reading the posts. Everyone was wondering where they were. If only they knew that the four of them were chilling on a yacht, they’d all be ecstatic. He knew how much their fans wanted them to be happy.

Louis was happy. He really was. There was only one thing that could make him happier, and that thing was Harry Styles being in love with him again, but it wasn’t going to fucking happen, so he had to make the best out of the current situation. Which was great. Genuinely.

He giggled a bit when he saw a picture of Harry doing that weird tongue things while eating. What a fucking weirdo, he couldn't believe this was the boy he was obsessively in love with.

Hitting reblog, he continued staring at the picture. Cute cute cute cute cu-

The door opened and Harry stood there, his gaze focussed on the screen.

“Fuck!” Louis shut his laptop so quickly that under any other circumstances he might have been worried about breaking it. “W-what are you doing here?” Please, god, let him not have seen anything.

“Was that tumblr?” Harry asked with an unreadable expression on his face. “Were you looking at pictures of me on tumblr?”

Okay, time for Louis’ crisis management to come out and deny everything as believable as possible. “I don’t know what you are talking about!” he screeched loudly. Maybe a bit too loudly, because Harry didn’t look convinced at all. Try harder, Tomlinson! “Seriously, no. I do not reblog pictures of you on tumblr, I-I don’t even have a tumblr! What is that even? Who knows? Not me!” So he might not be good at acting, sue him. But it was an emergency, a code red. Harry was this close to discovering his secret. Bugger, this was really happening. He cursed himself for not locking the door. Fucking fuck.

A glance at Harry’s face confirmed his suspicions – he hadn’t succeeded. His ex-boyfriend looked incredulous and also a bit annoyed.

“Oh come on Louis, drop the act.” He sounded exhausted and suddenly Louis felt very tired as well. “You know I won’t judge you.” Hah. Because it was totally normal to have social media account dedicated to his friend slash ex-boyfriend slash band-mate. Yep, not creepy at all.

“I can’t fucking tell you, Harry” he whispered. “You’ll hate me, and I don’t think I can stand you hating me another time. Last time was bad enough.” Vivid memories of vacant stares, nights spent feeling like the bed suddenly was too large for one person and a constant screaming in the back of his head chanting ‘he hates you he hates you he hates you’ flashed through his mind. Not again.

Harry coughed in surprise. “The fuck are you even talking about? I never hated you.” Yeah right. “And you still haven’t answered my question.”

Louis examined him and shook his head. “Not in here. Want to go outside on deck and talk there?” Maybe it would be easier to just… give in, tell him everything. Then at least this constant unease and the feeling that he was lying through his teeth every time he platonically hugged Harry or even touched him for too long would be gone. Along with their friendship, but. Well.

“Okay.” Why did Harry look adorable even when he was wearing an old ratty shirt and was most likely about to end the friendship between them in a few minutes? Louis was in too deep, god. He sighed and stood up from the bed, carefully straightening his tank top. “Where are Liam and Niall?” he wanted to know. They couldn’t witness his embarrassment. He wasn't prepared for their sympathetic stares. “They are both in their cabins.” Harry informed him, soothing his worries a bit.

Up on the deck, Harry led them to the sunbeds near the railing. He sat down on one of them and patted the space next to him. Sitting next to Harry was bad idea though, so Louis smiled apologetically and chose a chair in front of him, but with a safe distance. He knew that this way, he’d be able to concentrate better. Oh fuck, he was so scared that he literally heard his own heartbeat. This was it, the final talk. The next minutes would determine their entire relationship in the future. And he had to talk about his blog. Crap.

Because he wasn’t saying anything, Harry seemed to have decided to start the conversation. “I really don’t know where the idea is coming from that I hated you, really, like… I always adored you. Adore.” A light blush settled on cheekbones under the long strands of curly hair and Louis was so, so in love with this beautiful creature that he momentarily couldn’t breathe. “I don’t know what to say. But you are so lovely.” he whispered quietly and watched the blush deepen.

But seconds later he reminded himself why they were here and coughed. “I might have a tumblr blog. I’m sorry for, well I guess not telling you? But no one knows, and it’s kind of embarrassing innit? Like, which celebrity creeps on their fans’ blogs?” He ignored Harry’s mumbled protest of “everyone does” and just kept speaking. Crap, this was without a doubt the most humiliating thing he’d ever done. “About – “he swallowed. Jesus fucking Christ, just get over with it. His heart was beating faster than it did before playing a concert. Maybe because concerts didn’t make him admit things he hadn’t ever wanted to be known by anyone else but himself. “About the… reblogging a picture of you? I perhaps did do that?” He cringed and resisted the urge to jump into the ocean and never come back. He could become a mermaid. Merman. Whatever.

But he forced himself to look up and take in Harry’s features. When he did, he couldn’t help but letting out a small breath. Harry didn’t seem to be angry at least. Probably even a little bit amused? Louis bit his lip. Was this a joke to him? Was he internally laughing about how pathetic Louis was?

“Lou.” Harry tentatively moved a bit closer to him. “Listen – “He sounded unsure. “You know I’m not mad right? Like, I’m obviously surprised –“ Yeah, that might be because he was never meant to find out, Louis had kept this a secret for four fucking years “– but I’m also kind of flattered?” What? Upon seeing Louis’ expression, Harry quickly continued to talk. “Because, Louis. I didn’t think you would want to spend your time looking at, well, my ugly mug?” Ugly, right.

Louis scoffed. “Oh please. You know very well that you are beautiful. And you were the best thing that I ever had in my life, so I couldn’t let you go, even after you were done with me.” He still remembered their many fights, the crying, the goodbyes, but the overlying sensation would always be the pure feeling of happiness in his chest every minute he’d spent with Harry. He had felt literal sparks in his body every time Harry had touched him. After they had broken up, especially in the time when they hadn’t even talked, the only way to calm his aching heart had been looking up the ‘harry styles’ tag on tumblr and maybe crying a bit about how pretty Harry was.

“I… oh my god, Louis. I didn’t know. Honestly, you could have told me, I don’t mind.” Even though he sounded earnest, was Louis first reaction to shake his head. “You know bloody well that I couldn’t. Because you broke up with me.” There was a biting edge to his words, and he could see it too in the way Harry seemed to make himself smaller.

“I had my reasons.”

Louis pinched his thigh to keep himself from getting angry. “You never even told me why! How was I supposed to know that you would be okay with me still being obs- “he cut himself off and bit his tongue. “- with me still being interested in your life when I wasn’t even informed about why you didn’t love me anymore!” Fuck, he sounded petty as hell.

Harry’s head snapped to him. “What did you just fucking say? I didn’t love you anymore? Bullshit. You didn’t love me anymore.”

What? Louis’ head was spinning. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He hadn’t loved Harry anymore? What a joke. When he had been the one clinging to Harry every day like his life had depended on it. He still loved Harry, for fuck’s sake.

“Then why did you suggest an open relationship? Because I wasn’t enough for you anymore, that’s why.” Harry stared into his eyes and noticeably swallowed. “You know, I wasn’t even comfortable with it. But I thought it was the only way I could keep you, at least in the beginning.”

Louis was at a loss of words. He didn’t – he hadn’t… What the fuck, how did this manage to become a mess this big?

“Why didn’t you tell me it’d make you uncomfortable?” Louis looked at Harry with a helpless expression on his face. “You even seemed to like the idea! God, why didn’t you say ‘Hey Lou, actually, I don’t want an open relationship’ and I wouldn’t ever have mentioned it again!”. Harry lowered his eyes, hiding behind his hair. Louis desperately wanted to touch his face and gently make him look him in the eye, but he had lost that privilege a long time ago.

When Harry spoke, his voice shook a little and Louis felt his heart breaking all over again. “I thought I wasn’t enough for you anymore, and if I said no, maybe you would have left me sooner or later. So I figured I’d rather have a small part of you than nothing at all.”

Suddenly breathing was hard. “H.”, Louis whispered. “You can’t have... actually thought that was the reason I brought it up. You must have known how much I loved you. More than anything, anyone else.” Harry was - is - the most captivating person he’d ever met. How could he not know that?

“Then why did you bring it up? Fuck, just tell me why. Was it because you met someone better? Someone prettier? Or were you just tired of me blindly following you everywhere, being so in love with you it consumed all my thoughts? Shit, Louis. Just… tell me why.”

Louis bit his lip, not daring to look Harry in the eye. He had been so pathetic, he still was. Making stupid decisions just so people wouldn’t leave him. “I know now how wrong I was, and I’m so sorry. But basically, I figured sooner or later you would get tired of me. I’d get so jealous and insecure about… well, everyone you hung out with. The logical thing to do was to set you free. I didn’t even want to sleep with anyone else beside you, I was just so scared.”

He held his breath, waiting for Harry’s answer. Maybe Harry would laugh, tell him how dumb he had been and walk away. It wouldn’t surprise him. After all he had ruined their relationship.

“So you are telling me that you said you wanted an open relationship because you didn’t want to lose me, resulting in me thinking you didn’t want me anymore and us both fucking other people until I told you I couldn’t do it anymore and broke it off? What a mess.”

What a mess indeed. Louis couldn’t even sort his thoughts. Harry had been just as insecure as he had? Holy shit, he’d fucked up more than he’d thought. Way to go, Tommo.

“I’m - “He couldn’t finish the sentence. He was what? Sorry? Sure, more than words could ever say. But what difference did it make? “Haz.”, was what he finally settled for.

Finally, Harry looked up. God, he was beautiful. Louis heart ached. “I know. I’m sorry too. I should have told you from the beginning on that it was a shit idea.” He chuckled and Louis couldn’t help but smile a little bit too. Fucking Harry. He always knew what to say to lift the mood.

“But seriously. I’m especially sorry for breaking up with you.” Immediately, the little smile on Louis’ face fell right off. He still remembered everything so clearly like it had happened yesterday. Not quite knowing what to say, Louis wrapped his arms around himself and stared at a point somewhere next to Harry’s head. “Just… why did you do it?” His voice was a bit hoarse and he cringed. Why was he still so affected after nearly three years? Since when was he such a wimp?

It was a long time ago, he reminded himself, man up and just listen to what he says. So Harry would tell him the reason why they weren’t together anymore, okay. Would it change anything between them? Most likely not, considering that Harry had moved on, probably found other people who could make him happier. And Louis wanted him to be happy more than anything else in this world. He’d just prefer it if he were the cause of that happiness.

“Lou?” Oh great, and now it seemed like he didn’t even listen.

“Sorry”, he whispered. “Go on.”

Harry took a deep breath. “Don’t laugh, okay? It’s kind of childish but like I said, I thought you had someone else. Not like, as just a sex thing.”

What? Louis’ first instinct was to laugh in Harry’s face, but he instantly stopped when he saw his ex-boyfriend’s expression. Don’t laugh, okay? Fuck, he was fucking it all up and making it even worse.

Harry continued talking in a faster tempo now, his gaze flickering from Louis’ hands to his own, over the wooden floor to the horizon. “I thought you had a thing with Zayn – Louis, please let me finish this sentence, you have to know. So like, I overheard you talking to him once and he was talking about relationships that were forced and didn’t make sense anymore, and you kept agreeing, and then he was like ‘at least I have you’ and then you hugged and it looked so intimate…” A little sob escaped his lips.

Louis was frozen in place. He didn’t even remember the scene Harry had just described. What he did remember was the exhaustion on his boyfriend’s face when he had come to their hotel room that Sunday afternoon. I can’t do this anymore, Lou. I’m sure you’ll find someone else. I think you already did. It all made sense. Back then he’d thought Harry had been talking about Eleanor. But… Zayn?? Honestly, Harry, what the fuck. How were you supposed to react to something like that?

“You can’t be serious.”, was what he settled for. Zayn and him. Jesus Christ.

“So… you and him never had anything going on?”

Louis didn’t know what exactly broke him. Maybe Harry’s tired, sad voice. Maybe the way he didn’t even look away when their eyes met. Maybe the insanity of the situation itself. Maybe a combination of all three things was it that caused him to roughly grab onto Harry’s shoulders.

“I never had anything going on with Zayn. Or with Stan, or Aiden, or Oli, or anyone else you saw me with at parties. And d’you know why? Because I love you. After all this time.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, why couldn’t he control himself, Harry would laugh in his face – no, Harry wouldn’t, because he was a perfect, kind human being, instead he’d probably look pitifully at Louis. He was pathetic, telling a boy he loved him after three years of minimal contact and a painful breakup. Why did he fucking say shit like that? Why –

His thoughts were cut off by the sensation of a soft mouth on his cheek. What?

Louis turned his head. Had Harry – “Did you just kiss my cheek?” His voice broke slightly. He didn’t understand.

“Yes – Louis, oh my god, please tell me you meant it.” Harry’s voice was hopeful and the sad shimmer in his eyes was mostly gone. Louis didn’t dare to believe it yet but – what if Harry did not hate him. What if he still liked him too?

“Meant what? That I still love you? Of course. That’s the one thing I was certain about for the last three years.” Louis’ heart was beating fast in his chest. For the first in in years he felt like he might still have a chance. Like it wasn’t preposterous to be hopeful. He might still like him, holy fuck, Harry didn’t hate him! Harry had just kissed his cheek, what the fuck. Okay, maybe he sounded like a thirteen-year-old with a crush but Harry kissing his cheek didn’t just mean Harry kissing his cheek, it meant closeness, forgiveness, an intimacy that had been absent for such a long time, a fresh start.

“Thank god”, and then they were kissing, fire burning in Louis’ chest and he felt, finally, at home again.

*

It’s was unreal, waking up next to Harry again. Louis turned around and faced him, their noses almost touching. Harry was still sleeping, the lines from the pillow still engraved in his cheek and Louis let his eyes roam his face, with a beating heart and butterflies in his stomach. He couldn’t believe this.

He recalled them kissing tenderly under the moonlight last night. They hadn’t spoken much, not wanting to destroy the moment and just enjoying each other’s closeness. Harry had whispered after an hour if he could sleep in Louis’ bed because “I missed you so much, Lou, sometimes I thought I was never gonna be able to sleep again because I didn’t know how to without you anymore.”.

But these times were over. They had each other back, and this time they were not going to fuck it up, he was sure of it. Yeah, they had a lot to discuss and clear up – but it would be worth it.

“Morning.” Harry’s deep voice interrupted his thoughts and Louis couldn’t help and smile when Harry pulled his head down and groggily kissed his forehead. “Good morning, love” he replied, stroking Harry’s hair. “Did you sleep well?” His voice sounded softer than ever, but he couldn’t help it. He was just so happy.

“Better than ever.”

Good. He was never letting him go again.

*

“Hi fucker.”

Louis stuck out his tongue and flicked Niall’s ear. Niall turned around and raised his eyebrow. “Why so happy?” Oh god, was it that obvious? He put on a straight face and calmed down his voice. “What do you mean?” Why was Niall so fucking observant, Jesus Christ. His bandmate snorted and rolled his eyes at him. “Tommo. I’ve known you for six years, I can tell when something’s happened. So, spill.”

Louis shook his head. “Nope. I mean… later.” Harry and him had decided to tell the others together, so he didn’t want to go and ruin their plan. Also, it was fun to leave Niall hanging. “Oh come on” he whined, but Louis ignored him. Putting four plates on the table, he started whistling under his breath and moved his hips to the beat. Everything was good.

Liam came into the kitchen and paused as soon as he saw Louis. “Is he high?” he asked Niall and they seemed to have a silent conversation. “Uhm… okay…” Ha, this was funny. Liam was so unknowing, he didn’t know that Harry still loved Louis! And that they had slept in the same bed last night! And kissed, on the mouth!

Suddenly there were arms around Louis’ waist and he immediately leaned back into the body behind him, because there was only one person in the whole world who touched him like this. “Haz” he sighed and closed his eyes. The vibrations of Harry’s chuckle tickled his ear and he let out a mix between a gasp and a giggle. “Hi baby.”

He opened his eyes again and was met with the shocked expressions of Liam and Niall. None of them said a word, until Harry coughed quietly and broke the tension.

“Are you…” asked Liam tenderly before Niall interrupted him. “I can’t believe this, fucking hell! Larry back at it again! I knew you’d get back together eventually, holy shit. I am so happy for you.” Louis laughed and wriggled out of Harry’s embrace to throw his arms around Niall. “Thanks buddy.” he whispered. Liam and Harry joined their hug and he had to blink back tears of happiness. He had the love of his life back and the best friends in the world. Who would’ve thought that a year ago? He had everything he’d ever need.

*

“Hi mum.” He waved his mother and blew a kiss at his laptop screen. Her voice was quiet and the connection broke off a few times but he managed to understand her greetings and smiled at her. “I have to tell you something.” 

“What is it, honey?” Jay’s eyes were wide and encouraging and he swallowed a little bit before bursting out “Harry and I are dating again.” There were a few seconds of stunned silence, then the smile on his mum’s face grew impossibly large.

“Louis! I am so happy to hear that, love. Since when? What happened exactly? Oh gosh, I knew the two of you would end up together again.” She sounded very excited and Louis was relieved. His mum always knew what was best for him and it seemed like she agreed that Harry was the thing that made his life happier than anything else.

“We just talked, and then we kissed, and I said I still loved him and he said it back and here we are.” It wasn’t a lie. Just… he’d prefer it if it mother didn’t know about his tumblr account. It still was embarrassing. Even though just good things had come out of it. For example… Harry was his boyfriend again! He grinned and closed his eyes. Harry, Harry, Harry.

“Lou! Hey, Louis!” He flinched and blushed at his mum’s knowing stare. Jay teased him for a while, enjoying that Harry wasn’t a sore subject anymore but something that they could openly talk about and then focussed on something behind Louis. “Look who’s there. The boyfriend himself.”

Louis turned around and he was positive his eyes were lighting up. Harry stood in the door, his hands on the door frame, just wearing tiny white bathing shorts. He looked great. And with great Louis meant pretty, hot, beautiful, cute, handsome, perfect. Holy shit.

“Well hi there.” Harry closed the door and sat down next to Louis, leaving no space between them. “Hi Jay!” He gave her a cute little wave and started asking her about herself, Dan and Louis’ siblings. Watching their animated conversation, Louis couldn’t help but press his thumb into Harry’s leg. Three times. I. Love. You. Because he did. And from now on, he would wake up every day and be able to tell it to Harry. I love you. Always.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading this :)  
> If you wanna talk to me on tumblr, it's aimhzourry.


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